Today I had reason to be reminded of something a friend once told me, that she got along much better with her husband when she didn't take everything he said and did, personally. I remember thinking at the time that she must have been a very uncaring person, but now I can see her detachment was a decision, not a lack of caring.
The events of life, and even the action and words of people close to us, are what they are. If we take every action and word of every person, every delay in a supermarket line-up, every mistake someone makes, as a personal attack, something aimed particularly at us, our lives become an unending source of misery. What other people can do, or how other people function, may not have anything to do with us at all. Other people have their own reasons for their words and actions, and the world moves along either with or without us, but not solely for us. Good things happen, really terrible things happen, stupid things happen. Attaching personal meaning to these happenings may be a big mistake.
Because I have a vivid imagination, and can "see" how a room would look repainted, a house remodeled, a new garden put in, sometimes I have trouble dealing with the reality of the present. I look at the people close to me, and see them remodeled as well, as if I was watching a television with a split screen. Then I need to remember that not everything can be changed, or needs to be changed, and there are many things in life to be enjoyed in the moment, in the very here-and-now.
My own emotional energy is better spent in enjoying what I have, or if I want a change, planning for that change and taking steps towards it, rather than kicking and stomping because the alternate reality I see is not present, and may never be. I need to be constantly reminded of this, and believe me, life comes along and constantly reminds me. Whether one wishes to call it the slap upside the head of the Holy Spirit, or karma, or "when the student is ready, the teacher appears", I get the message. Over and over, but I get it, a little better every time.
Jon Kabat Zin has written some books that repeat this message over and over. If you need a nudge, get a copy of "Where Ever You Go, There You Are," or any of his other books on mindfulness. You may just get that nudge that shifts your paradigm, much as an Escher print does. Just step a little to one side, tilt your head, and reality is zing! something else. Top is bottom, bottom is top, and there is beauty in the smallest thing. It is easier for one to change one's viewpoint, than to change the whole of reality. So find a way to see what's real, and you may be surprised at what you find.
You may be saying, "But I tell my spouse over and over not to do this, not to buy that, to change in some way that seems crucial, and my words are ignored. My spouse does, or doesn't do, the same things, over and over. That says to me that my spouse doesn't care." Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't, maybe it's something your spouse can't change, maybe it's not important in the life of the universe. And what's going on in your head, in yourself, that causes this to tip you over the edge? Let go of it for a while, even for five minutes, and look or listen or feel, or taste something and do nothing else. Let your thoughts float by as they arise, like wispy clouds. Picture the words sailing by, like a closed caption on your tv, here they come, there they go, gone. You'll have pushed your reset button, gotten yourself unstuck, just enough to see what it's like. And you can always go back do it again, anytime. Try it and see what happens.
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